I remember my Grandpa.
He loved to sing. In his late years, he sang in choir and once in a while they played concerts. He invited me, naturally, and all the rest to of our small family. I don't remember the times I didn't come. But I clearly recall how busy was I most of the time.. and didn't come over. Then there was this one time I also remember crystal clear... when I finally came. It wasn't the first time for me to watch him sing on stage, yet that one was important and particularly strong. I watched him as he got distracted by seeing me and Grandma and then lost his words but still pretended or attempted to follow the lyrics and he made this innocent-little-boy face and shed a few tears... he was so happy. Happy to sing. Happy that we were there. Sharing that time with him, sharing something that was so important to him. And as I think of him, I cannot help but thinking of Saule. The way she asks for my attention, well, surely more often and with more intense than Grandpa did, but yes, she needs me to witness her and to love her in her doings. To feel that what she does MATTERS to me. I see her. I feel her. I watch her. And I am with her..... not often enough. I don't judge myself too roughly and I do not think I am a bad mother, I also am not dramatically trying to be an ideal version of myself but I feel it in my guts - as I feel it in my heart - when the time comes to utter another "not now" and "give me a moment" - that I could BE THERE for my daughter more often. A little more.. often. Today I hear my Grandpa singing the song of contentment. The song of bliss. There is a place where everyone is witnessed and equally important in their shine. He is not waiting for us to show up anymore We did - And I did so many times since He died. I guess I was with Him much more often since His death than in the last year of His life. Well... I hope it's a lie, but I have to live the truth of what it sparks in my heart today.
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August 2020
May all mothers find peace in this creative universe and often rest their heads on its playful lap ♥
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